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nine lives

Posted on by admin

Direct Answers – Column for the week of September 2, 2002

My husband of four years has been arrested for the fourth time for hurting me. This time he strangled me. I always go back to him. He is now in jail with no money to post his own bail.

I thought I loved him, but lately I can’t stand his ass. He is unemployed and so possessive that sometimes I find it hard to breathe. He follows me from room to room, and if I’m on the phone, he mutes the TV so he can listen.

A year ago we separated and I filed for divorce. We reconciled in November and I put the divorce on hold. Last week I called the clerk and my divorce was processed. I am now divorced from a man who tried to kill me 10 days ago.

Great, right? I’m so sad and lonely and I feel so bad for him sitting in jail that I can’t clear my head. I feel like I have no life other than work. I have no family and few friends.

I feel that he hurts me because I argue with him and corner him like a frightened animal. He has to attack me to defend his manhood. It is difficult to explain. And yes, I have started counseling. Forget it or love it, that is my question.

Bulls

Tori, most of us have many opportunities to change our lives, but we don’t have an unlimited number of opportunities. This man can take away your last chance.

Like the people held hostage by armed men in a Stockholm bank 30 years ago, he has begun to identify with his captor. You see the world from his point of view and deny what he is doing to you. Or at least, that’s what a part of you does.

Another part of you is divorcing him. That part realizes that you have freedom. That part recognizes that love is about caring, respect, and admiration flowing back and forth. That part of you knows that this man will never be able to give you what you need most.

You are now like an addict fighting addiction. Loneliness is weakening your resolve, but you must remember the reason you quit. Stay in counseling. Seek emotional support. Formula has protection plan.

You have a job, not everyone has that. That is something to build on. You have friends, not everyone has that. That is something to build on. You have life, that is something that other women in your situation have lost.

wayne and tamara

Congratulations…

I was raised to believe that the secret to happiness is being interested in other people, being a good listener, and spending time helping others. However, the happiest people I know are completely self-absorbed.

I am anxiously bombarded with every thought that has ever crossed their mind, every excruciating detail of their mundane little weekends, every dull computer-related incident at work. I’m left reaching for Prozac and wondering where I went wrong. In our modern world, is self-obsession the only way to go?

Chris

Chris, ignorance may be bliss, but it’s not bliss. Happiness doesn’t come from living in a closet or just looking at two colors in the rainbow.

People who can only talk about the weather or movies they haven’t seen drive Tamara crazy. One cure is to gradually withdraw from such people. That makes room in one’s life for people who are vitally alive and growing.

As you fill out and grow, you have a lot to offer lively people, and they will be attracted to you too. Build on the relationships you find pleasure in and begin to walk away from the others. A friend of mine once explained to me how he lost the sense of joy in his life and how he got it back. He told me: “I forgot to dream.”

wayne

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