Dealing With Harmful Jealousy: What Couples Need To Know

A little bit of jealousy adds some spice to the relationship, but too much jealousy can be destructive in any romantic relationship. Jealousy occurs when a spouse feels threatened by a third person who they believe is a rival and a threat to their relationship. Jealousy can be healthy or unhealthy and can be based on real threats or just imagined threats. Unhealthy jealousy, which is often unnecessary and unreasonable, can ruin a marriage.

When does jealousy turn unhealthy?

Jealousy is healthy when it pushes couples to be more loving, more sensitive and committed to each other because they value themselves too much and do not want to lose themselves. Unhealthy jealousy, on the other hand, makes the relationship problematic. Unhealthy jealousy or unnecessary accusations of infidelity push the jealous spouse to think and act irrationally. Extreme jealousy can push a spouse to think irrational thoughts and display unacceptable behaviors. These unacceptable behaviors may include stalking the accused spouse, checking and monitoring the accused spouse’s personal belongings such as phones, clothes, bags, newspapers, social media accounts, etc. for evidence of sexual infidelity, rupture of the spouse’s relationship with friends, unexpected visits to the spouse’s workplace, confronting or questioning the spouse and the worst thing is committing violence to make the accused spouse confess.

How to deal with unhealthy jealousy? There are ways to deal with irrational jealousy. The following tips can be very helpful.

Recognize that the problem is your irrational jealousy and not your spouse. A jealous spouse generally acknowledges that their jealousy is unreasonable and based on unfounded evidence, but finds it difficult to control the suspicions or feelings of jealousy that make them miserable. The jealous spouse believes that if their suspicions can be proven, they will feel better. Unfortunately, this is not possible because irrational thoughts or suspicions cannot be disproved by rationality. In this case, you must choose to trust your spouse more and acknowledge that your irrational jealousy is the problem.

Understand the underlying reasons behind your irrational jealousy. There is a reason behind why a jealous spouse constantly accuses and believes that their partner is committing sexual infidelity for no valid reason. One reason could be that a jealous spouse saw one of their parents involved in marital infidelity when they were young. Fear of abandonment is another reason if a jealous spouse has experienced being abandoned or left alone by loved ones. The feeling of inferiority or inadequacy may be the reason why you constantly compare yourself to others. For example, an older spouse with reduced sexual ability due to his age may feel insufficient to satisfy a younger wife sexually and may feel threatened or extremely jealous of the younger men around him. Alcohol or substance abuse can also affect reasoning and you tend to be more suspicious or jealous. Understanding the reason behind your unreasonable jealousy can help you address your unhealthy jealousy triggers and find the treatment that works for you.

Refusing to engage in irrational thoughts and making an effort to stop the irrational behavior. Whenever you have those jealous thoughts and start accusing or questioning your spouse again, stop immediately and distract yourself. Tell yourself that you must stop this unnecessary jealousy over and over again and remember how this unhealthy jealousy is damaging your relationship. Write down the wonderful things your spouse did for you to remind you how much they love you. Talk to a friend. Stay busy doing the things you love. Do whatever it takes to ward off irrational thoughts and avoid unacceptable behaviors. You cannot always be successful because you cannot change the way you think and act overnight, but you must keep trying until you finally succeed in changing your irrational thoughts and behaviors. Reward yourself every time you overcome your irrational jealousy.

Get professional help. Irrational or unhealthy jealousy can be difficult to handle or control on your own, so don’t hesitate to seek professional help. There are counselors and therapists who can help you deal with this unhealthy jealousy. The longer you take to seek help, the longer it will haunt you and your relationship. If you want to save your marriage, act now and seek professional help before things are too late.

For more guides on how to save a troubled marriage, visit Saving a Troubled Relationship