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The seasoned widow

Three things I’ve learned as a result of being widowed twice in my life, once at 27 and the second at 73.

1. Life goes on and even though you have wonderful memories to treasure, you have to learn to live in the present.

2. Be grateful that you had a partner who appreciated you and tried to make you happy. If you are alone and you don’t like being alone, find someone who can make you happy again.

3. You will compare; There is no way around that, but you will also look for those things that are good in a new relationship, even if those new things are different.

Life goes on: at 27 years old and with two children under the age of five, I fell on myself in the early seventies. It was bad enough to be widowed at that age, but it was also a time of tremendous upheaval. The 1970s brought the Vietnam War into crisis, Nixon was indicted, and feminism was on the rise. Everything was turned upside down for me. As a post-Victorian baby boomer who was used to wearing women’s clothing, women’s clothing looked like men’s clothing and I felt uncomfortable and unsure of myself. Mary Tyler Moore had her TV show on living alone as a woman and she made it look good.

After the death of my first husband, I knew I had to change my life, and if I didn’t, I probably never would. So, I left my little town in upper New York state and moved to Canada to start a new life. It was scary and there were many days where I wanted to run back to the familiar, but I held on after telling myself that I would give it 5 years and that if I didn’t make it work, I would go back to my hometown. .

It was in the second year of my new life in Canada that I met my future second husband, who was also a widow. He had a son and I had two girls, so we became a mixed family. It is not easy to merge two families, as it is wrought with emotional challenges and differences in how to run a home and discipline children, but the marriage lasted 43 years. I thought that was it for me in terms of the men in my life when he died.

Be grateful for having a partner: my first marriage lasted 9 years and was the marriage of a young couple with innocence and perhaps lack of conscience. My second marriage lasted 43 years to a wonderful man who was smart, kind, compassionate, and loved to travel. We had a very pleasant life even though we had to work hard so that family problems did not divide us. But since I was 18 I had been a married person minus the 3 years between marriages, so I needed to find someone to share my life with, even if at this point it did not mean marriage. I didn’t like being alone.

You will compare: as life goes on and since I had two good marriages, I decided to join Match and do some shopping to see if someone could meet some of my requirements. I didn’t want a divorced man, so I eliminated anyone who was divorced. I wanted an educated man, as my second husband was a scientist with a Renaissance approach to life. I wanted someone who would like to travel the way I had traveled the world with my second husband, and I also wanted someone who was considerate and kind.

Well I ended up with a twice divorced man who was only able to cruise because of a mobility issue and was sometimes frank with others instead of kind.

I had to put aside my need to compare him to the first two husbands, even though he was closer to the first husband than the second. Look, I can’t stop comparing! I had to adjust to being on a cruise instead of going to a country and creating a journey as we went. Mind you, the cruises were top-notch, so I soon learned to enjoy being pampered on these cruises.

Although he was an intelligent man in his own way, he lacked the sophistication that my second husband had, so I had to learn to adapt to a limited range of subjects and to simple rather than complex films.

Now the good thing that a new partner brought me was sexuality. I thought that part of my life was over and now with this new partner who loved sexuality, hugging and kissing, I really started to enjoy my body again at my age.

We also baked and cooked together and it was fun to search for new recipes. We both enjoy going to concerts and musicals and finding new and interesting things to do together. I began to appreciate these new gifts of their contribution to my life.

At 74 I can honestly say that life goes on. I want to live in the present, although I will continue to appreciate my past. I appreciate the gift of companionship and will continue to look for those things in a new partner that bring me joy.

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