Be your own hero

A man who crashes into a burning building and saves someone’s life is everyone’s notion of a hero. The opportunity to perform that level of heroism is rare. It’s probably a good thing.

Unless you’re a firefighter, police officer, or soldier, all of whom take daily risks, there is another less dangerous path to personal heroism, although it still involves risk. I know this to be true and my confidence stems from thousands of emails and comments from men and women over the years.

A man cannot be anyone’s hero until he first becomes his own hero. This is a much more complex task than it might seem at first. It has nothing to do with money, power, ego, bragging rights, good looks, physical power, athleticism, sexual prowess, or the number of things a man owns.

To become his own hero, a man must be willing to plumb the depths and explore the aspects of his life that are most dear to him, his relationships with his wife, girlfriend, friends, children, and even coworkers. When you have accomplished this task, you are your own hero, and everyone else’s as well.

The mythological fables that tell the stories of the right of way from childhood to manhood always involve an astonishing task that a young man must perform before the king allows him to marry the princess. Killing a dragon or a giant is often your challenge. In mythology, the young man is always successful, he marries the princess and lives happily ever after.

Today, to become a man, you have to embark on a different right of passage journey. Instead of killing a dragon, he has to end his erroneous notion of manhood. He has to demonstrate his inner hero bravery by becoming a fully empowered, authentic, emotionally open and honest man, first with himself and ultimately with everyone. A man on this path claims his right to be his own hero.

Are you not convinced that this act requires courage? One of my recent articles on emotionally honest men in relationships received thousands of comments. Half were women. Almost everyone agreed with my premise. Half of the men mostly disagreed, and what is significant and telling is that almost all of their reasons are based on fear. Clearly, they haven’t slayed their fear dragons yet and, to be fair, few men in our culture do. Is this a hero thing? Absolutely. Ask any woman.

The risk I took when I started to take my own step, working to live with integrity with myself, felt very real, because I quickly realized that there were some men who considered my efforts little masculine. But they represent a small percentage. It’s actually cowardly not to take this trip, because staying closed prevents change, and I have yet to meet a man who can’t benefit from some change in his behavior.

When I rejected emotional honesty in my relationships, I realized that I was doing it out of fear, that it was so powerful that it blinded me and prevented me from seeing the potential for heroic behavior. When I got over my fear and embraced emotional honesty with women, they rewarded me with their trust. They became vulnerable, which deepened our relationship. That reward is worth taking a chance on, because access to a woman’s heart is the greatest gift a woman can give a man.

There is absolutely no aspect of becoming your own hero that is related to a man’s ability to buy things. Money has nothing to do with your manhood or being your own hero. A man who boasts of his wealth or power misses being his own hero by a mile, because inflating his own ego is the least manly or heroic act. A man’s personal heroism is not for sale. Being your own hero is priceless. Men, whom other men look up to, know it.

I urge every man to accept this challenge, stand in front of his mirror and ask himself some critical questions, the answers to which are relevant to his hero status. When I took on this challenge decades ago, I was amazed at how far I was from being my own hero. Building character is like building a strong, durable wall, and it starts with putting the first brick in place.

Do I honor and respect my male friends and keep their confidences?

Do I live in a way that reflects my highest ideals?

Do I have the courage to be emotionally honest with women?

Do I love my children unconditionally and selflessly?

Do I respect and support my children’s decisions?

Do I treat my employees or co-workers with the level of respect that I want?

Do I volunteer in my community or do I reach out to help others?

Do I live in integrity with myself?

Almost all men daydream about performing heroics of some kind. And whether or not a man is aware of the inner conflict that is struggling to live out his highest ideals, the notion lingers in his male psyche. Sometimes it is moved by conscience and sometimes it is simply a matter of making or not making the effort.

Every man deserves to be proud of his manhood, but many are unclear on what that entails or how to achieve it. The proof of this internal conflict is that almost all men still link their sense of self worth to their net worth, which is tragically flawed since they are not related. The first has to do with character, while the second has to do with purchasing power. They do not necessarily share the same space.

A man who treats his wife or girlfriend with dignity and respect, listens on a deep level, and maintains the highest level of emotional honesty with her regarding how he feels about their relationship, is that woman’s hero. I know this because I have experienced it, and I have also heard it from many other men. Women often mention this as a desirable quality when commenting on relationships.

Updating his inner hero is the way a man fully grows into manhood. I have worked with men for decades to help them discover their best versions of themselves, their own heroes. Owen Marcus and I organize weekend retreats to help guide men on the path to becoming their own heroes. Our next workshop retreat is in October in Sonoma, California. http://mancampweekends.com/your-man-camp-weekend/ We hope you will participate.

Achieving something worthwhile in a man’s life is never easy. What owen and i call Manhood 2.0, be your own hero, is no exception. When a man musters the courage to share his deepest truth, he creates a platform for his inner hero to develop. This discovery is not something a man is likely to forget because it is the Eureka moment of his manhood.

A man who is his own hero does not surrender to fear and never allows fear to dictate his behavior. You face your fear because you know how to overcome it.

Whether or not a man considers Virility 2.0 his way, every man deserves to be his own hero. The path is clearly marked. To be your own hero, live with integrity, embrace your true manhood, and become a man other men look up to. Life is too short to aim lower.